I haven’t posted on here for a year, so I will start wherever seems fitting. September 18th 2010, was the first time I’ve ever rolled out a yoga mat. The first time I shook hands with my ego and the first time I opened myself up to the wonderful practice that is Yoga. It has been 2 years and some odd months now and I have to say I feel as much a beginner now as I did then. In the 2 years I have practiced off and on I have allowed the flood gates to open in Savasana (yes, I now know the Sanskrit word for corpse pose). I have gotten frustrated to the point where loud irritable grunts were the only thing left for me to do while I stumbled trying to look for balance. I have fallen apart, I have picked myself up and I have allowed myself to walk away defeated during a session. But somehow I always found myself back. Somehow the mat never stayed rolled up for long and somehow I have slowly eased into admitting that yoga might be more than a form of exercise. I want to make it part of my life’s work. It is a thought so grand it scares me. I believe that Yoga is an art form never to be truly mastered, but I am desperate to know. Desperate to familiarize myself with it’s inner workings.
So here I am back to this blog, picking up where I left off…
Join me on my journey?
It’s exactly 1.35am on July 23th and usually in these hours I’m at my most honest and vulnerable. I’ve been 23 going on 3 days now and I realized that I never finish what I start. I promise and I dream, but that’s about all I do…all I can keep up with.
But this morning I found myself in mountain pose, ready to take on all my demons, face my failures head on and move on gracefully. The only time we need to be sorry is when we lose hope, when we lose faith and when we foolishly hold onto anything that doesn’t make us happy. I fold into a back bent and I realize I am strong, I am better than what I was yesterday and each path I take is in my own hands. I surrender in a forward bent…and everything vanishes. All that matters is my breath and the way the blood rushes to my head. Everything falls off of me in a yoga session.
Nothing matters but me and the universe, me and the universe.
Lately I’ve been slacking with my yoga, not because I’ve lost interest, but because we moved and there is hardly any space here and there is always someone awake when I attempt. I feel awkward doing my downward facing dog in front of other people, there is something about sticking your backside in the air that leaves you vulnerable?, perhaps, but I picked up an outdoor activity and every other saturday I go to a local yoga class. Needless to say, the class is more intense than my home-beginner-at-my-own-pace sessions, maybe that somehow counteracts the frequency of my attempts. I’m also vowing to try to be healthier, for at least 30days and see where that takes me.
On that note…
Breakfast: whole wheat toast with peanut butter and strawberries. For a drink I had some citrus punch.
Pretty healthy if you ask me. We’ll see what happens at lunch .
After maybe a whole month, if not longer of not having done my yoga I find myself back here. In my trusted cross-legged position, stretching, reaching and embracing what’s within myself. I sit here stressed, because last time I checked these poses weren’t this hard. I feel discouraged…the little experience I had under my non-excistent belt went poof out the window due to my own accord. This seems to be a pattern of mine, but before I get ahead of my own discouragement, let me try and find a few good things about today’s session.
I feel less tense, I woke up feeling my shoulders ache any which way they could and now that pain is gone, I feel proud, because even though I felt irritated at the mere thought of not being able to do this the way I could before I stuck it out. I couldn’t wait for this session to end, but yet I finished it. I showed myself that I had some self motivation. I can feel demotivating thought trying to enter my mind, but at the moment I seem more aware.
Because of all this, I am happy.
I’m going to get back on it…and hopefully I can find the place I left about a month ago once more and go beyond that.
I haven’t posted on this blog for a while, but I have been continuing my practice consistently. There have been a few days where I haven’t done yoga and I definitely notice a big difference. Maybe it’s just a mental thing, but on the days that I skip my yoga work-out I feel all out of sorts. My shoulders are tense, my back hurts and my mood isn’t as chipper. On the days where I do at least a 20 minute session I feel happy, at ease and the world makes more sense.
I just finished watching a yoga documentary called Enlighten Up about a skeptic who takes on yoga for 6 months, trying to make sense of it all. He goes all the way to India and speaks with guru’s and eventually ends up at an ashram. There he talks to a guru and he tells them “Don’t believe, If you want to believe, believe, if you don’t want to believe, don’t believe and you could still be a religious person” Then he goes on to say that all you really ever need to do is be true to your inner self and you are spiritual, because you are the most-est important person under the sun, therefore you should feel the importance of yourself. Any action we partake in is just an action, what ultimately makes the difference is the way we feel when we do that action. The emotions that we attach to it. Happiness comes from within, not from the outside so in order to be spiritual/religious we have to start by letting go of all the unhappiness we carry and letting go, as much as possible of what we are not.
Because you are the most-est important person under the sun.
I am the most-est important person under the sun.
skip to 5.20 and watch the next part.
I am absolutely obsessed with yoga…there’s so much there is to know about it that goes beyond the postures and it drives me absolutely effin’ crazy that I am so far away from that point where I’ll be able know enough to explain the inner workings of it all. Yoga is more than a regular workout and it’s everything but a hype. To me it’s like an escape. No matter how stressful life gets I know that at the end of the day I can go back to my cat pose, downward facing dog and warrior one and all will be forgotten. It’s this little nugget of sanity for me, the breathing, the concentrating and the letting go.
I can’t wait to know more about it. I want it to consume me, like I am willing to consume it.
Today I did a short yoga session, called power yoga…it was a little more fast paced, but at the same time calming. Towards the end the yoga instructor had us sit crossed legged, with our hands on our knees and relax. Breath in, breathe out…he made a point that even though it probably didn’t seem like much it was still considered power yoga, because you were powerfully focusing on releasing. There is tremendous power in stillness, there is tremendous power in letting go. Just release all tension and relax. Feel your breath expand your body and relax…All of a sudden something hit me and I start to cry. I felt sadness wash over me and then all of a sudden I felt liberated. It was such an amazing feeling, to just surrender to whatever emotion I was holding back for so long. I was letting go. Letting go of years, trying to hold on.
There’s an article on msnbc about this topic…pfew..at least I know I’m not the only one.